Marathon Training Is Ruining My Relationship and I Don't Know What to Pick

So I signed up for a marathon. My first one. I was so excited. My partner was supportive — at first. "That's amazing babe, I'm so proud of you!"

Fast forward four months into an 18-week training plan and "so proud of you" has turned into "you care more about running than you care about me" and honestly? I don't know if they're wrong.

the schedule

Here's what marathon training actually looks like when you're following a real plan:

Monday: easy run, 5 miles
Tuesday: speed work, 6-7 miles
Wednesday: rest or cross-training
Thursday: tempo run, 7-8 miles
Friday: rest
Saturday: LONG RUN. This is anywhere from 12 to 22 miles depending on where you are in the plan
Sunday: recovery run, 3-4 miles

That's roughly 40-50 miles per week. At my pace that's about 7-9 hours of running per week. Plus stretching, foam rolling, fueling, recovery. It adds up.

And this is on top of a full-time job. So the time has to come from somewhere. And it's coming from us.

what my partner says

"We never do anything anymore." — We do things. But less things. And the things we do are planned around my running.

"Saturday is supposed to be our day." — It was. But now Saturday morning is an 18-mile run that takes me 3+ hours plus warm up plus cool down plus the hour afterwards where I'm basically a zombie on the couch unable to move. By the time I'm functional again it's 2 PM and half the day is gone.

"You're always tired." — True. Marathon training is exhausting. I go to bed at 9:30 most nights because I have to be up early for runs. That means no late dinners. No movies that start after 8. No spontaneous evening plans.

"I feel like running is your whole personality now." — Ouch. But... also kind of fair? I do talk about running a lot. I have running friends now. I follow running accounts. I spend money on running gear. It has sort of consumed my identity for this training block.

what i say back (in my head, not out loud)

This is temporary. The marathon is in 8 weeks. After that I'm taking a break. We'll go back to normal.

But is that actually true? Because after this marathon I'll probably want to run another one. This isn't a one-time thing. This is a lifestyle I've adopted and I love it and I don't want to give it up.

I tried saying "it's just a few more weeks" but I've been saying that for months and the finish line (literally and figuratively) keeps feeling far away.

the fight

We had a real fight about it last weekend. They wanted to go to a friend's birthday party Saturday night. I said I couldn't stay out late because I had 20 miles the next morning. They lost it.

"You can skip ONE run."

And rationally, yes, I probably could skip one run and be fine. But the training plan is like a contract in my brain. Every missed run feels like I'm failing. Like the marathon will fall apart if I deviate. It's probably anxiety. It's definitely irrational. But it's real.

We went to the party. I left early. They stayed. We didn't talk Sunday. I did my 20 miles. They felt hollow.

am i the problem?

Yeah. I think I might be the problem. Or at least part of it.

I got so caught up in the training that I forgot that my partner didn't sign up for this. They didn't agree to a 18-week plan that restructures our entire life. I made that choice and then expected them to just... go along with it.

And the hard part is that I don't think I'm doing anything wrong by training for a marathon. It's a goal. It's healthy. It's important to me. But I also think my partner isn't wrong for feeling neglected. Both things can be true at the same time and that's what makes it so hard.

what i'm trying to do

After the fight I realized I needed to make some changes or this relationship wasn't going to survive the training plan.

Protecting one evening per week. I moved my Thursday tempo run to Thursday morning (brutal, but doable) so Thursday evening is fully ours. No running talk. No early bedtime. Just us.

Including them sometimes. I asked if they wanted to bike alongside me on one of my easy runs. They actually said yes. It wasn't the same as running together but we were outside together doing something active and they got to see what I actually do out there for hours. I think it helped them understand.

Shutting up about running. I made a conscious effort to not make every conversation about training. I have running friends for that. My partner doesn't need a daily mileage report.

Acknowledging the sacrifice. Instead of getting defensive when they express frustration, I'm trying to just say "you're right, this is a lot, and I appreciate your patience." Because they ARE being patient. More patient than I would be if the roles were reversed probably.

the bigger question

This isn't really about marathon training. It's about what happens when one person in a relationship gets consumed by something — fitness, a hobby, a career — and the other person feels left behind. I see it in so many fitness relationships. One person is all in and the other person is just trying to keep up.

There has to be a balance. I don't have it figured out yet. I'll let you know after the marathon if we're still together.

(I'm kidding. Mostly. I think we'll be fine. The party fight was a wake-up call and things have been better since.)

(But also if you're training for a marathon and reading this — talk to your partner before it becomes a fight. Don't be me. Be proactive about it.)

The marathon is in 8 weeks. We'll get there. Together, hopefully, at the finish line. Them holding a sign. Me trying not to cry. We'll see.

Related Reading:

How to Balance Gym Time and Relationship Time — This applies to running too, seriously
Dating a Runner: 15 Things You Should Know — Sending this to my partner honestly