We Broke Up But Neither of Us Will Switch Gyms (A Cold War Story)

Let me paint you a picture of pettiness.

My ex and I dated for eight months. We met at the gym (cute), we trained together (cuter), and then we broke up because he told me my squat form "needed work" in front of his friends (not cute, actually grounds for homicide).

Now here's the problem: this is MY gym. I've been going here for three years. I have a locker. I know the staff by name. Linda at the front desk gives me extra guest passes. I have SENIORITY.

But he won't leave either. Because apparently he "signed a two-year contract" and "it's close to his apartment." As if that's MY problem.

So we've entered what I can only describe as a gym cold war.

The unspoken rules we've developed over four months:

He gets the squat racks on Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I get them Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. Nobody discussed this. It just happened.
The cable machine area is neutral territory. We can both be there but we do NOT make eye contact.
If one of us is using the only available bench, the other does literally any other exercise. I've done so much cardio since the breakup I could qualify for a marathon I don't want to run.
The stretching area is a HARD no. Too vulnerable. Too much eye contact potential. I stretch in my car now like a feral animal.
We both still use the same protein shake bar. We've ended up in line together twice. Both times we stared at our phones with the intensity of people defusing bombs.

My friends keep telling me to just switch gyms. "There's a Planet Fitness two blocks away." Do you HEAR yourself? I am not going to Planet Fitness because a man criticized my squat depth. I will die on this elliptical first.

The funniest part? We're both in better shape than when we were dating. Turns out "I need to look incredible in case I run into my ex" is the most powerful pre-workout on the market.

I know this whole situation is ridiculous. I KNOW. But there's something oddly entertaining about our little territorial dance. We're like two cats who refuse to share a windowsill.

If you're navigating a gym breakup, honestly this article about gym breakups has some good perspective on why dating someone from your gym is a gamble. Read it BEFORE you start flirting with the hot person on the rowing machine. Learn from my mistakes.

Maybe someday we'll laugh about this. Maybe someday one of us will move and this cold war will end. But today is not that day. Today I'm doing deadlifts in HIS squat rack time slot because he's on vacation and I am PETTY.

Going through a gym breakup? Please tell me someone else has divided equipment schedules with an ex. I need validation.