I'm a Woman Who Lifts Heavy and Here's What Dating Has Been Like

I deadlift 315. I can do 12 pull-ups. My shoulders are wider than some of the guys at my gym. I've been lifting seriously for six years and my body reflects that.

I'm also a woman who dates men. And let me tell you, the range of reactions I get is WILD.

The Three Types of Guys

In my extensive and sometimes exhausting experience, men fall into roughly three categories when they find out I lift heavy:

Type 1: Genuinely Into It. These guys think strong women are attractive. Full stop. No qualifiers. They're not intimidated by my deadlift. They're not weird about my shoulders. They think it's hot and they say so and it's refreshing and lovely. These men exist. They're not the majority but they exist and I appreciate every single one of them.

Type 2: Intimidated But Won't Admit It. These guys say things like "that's cool" in a voice that suggests it is not cool. They subtly try to establish that they're ALSO strong. They ask about my numbers and then casually mention their own. They seem uncomfortable when I'm visibly more muscular than them. One guy on a date flexed when he thought I wasn't looking. I was looking. It was sad.

Type 3: Actively Weird About It. These are the "I don't usually like muscular women BUT..." guys. The "you'd look better if you didn't lift so heavy" guys. The "aren't you worried about getting too big?" guys. As if my body is a public referendum and they get a vote. Sir, I didn't ask.

Things That Have Been Said to Me on Dates

"You're strong... for a girl." — Please leave.

"I bet you could beat me up lol." — This is said on roughly 60% of first dates. I don't know what response they want. I usually just smile.

"Do you, like, take stuff?" — Asking a woman if she's on steroids on a first date. The audacity.

"My ex was really petite, this is different for me." — Cool. Thank you for comparing me to your ex within the first hour.

"I think it's great that women lift but don't you think there's a limit?" — A limit? A LIMIT? To MY body? What limit would you suggest, sir? Where on my body should I stop developing muscle to make YOU comfortable?

"Can you flex for me?" — I'm not a circus attraction. Buy me dinner first. Actually, don't. Leave.

The Body Image Stuff

I'd be lying if I said the dating world hasn't affected my relationship with my body. There are days when I look at my arms and think "would this be easier if I were smaller?" Days when I wonder if I'd get more matches if my profile photos were softer, more feminine in the traditional sense.

And then I go to the gym and I deadlift and I remember that my body can do incredible things and I would rather be strong and single than weak and settled.

But it sucks. It sucks that being a strong woman is still seen as unusual or threatening or "too much." It sucks that I have to wonder whether my body is going to be a dealbreaker before someone even knows my name.

What I Want From a Partner

The bar is literally on the floor:

Don't be threatened by my strength.
Don't try to out-lift me to prove something.
Don't comment on my body like it's a science experiment.
Don't treat my muscle as something to "look past."
Be genuinely, uncomplicatedly attracted to me.

That's it. Five things. And yet finding all five in one person has been... a journey.

The Good Experiences

It's not all terrible. The good dates have been REALLY good.

The guy who saw my arms on the first date and said "those are impressive, how long have you been training?" — genuine curiosity, no weirdness. We dated for six months.

The guy who asked to come watch me compete. Who sat in the audience at a powerlifting meet and cheered louder than anyone. Who told me afterwards that watching me lift was the most attractive thing he'd ever seen. We didn't work out for other reasons but I'll never forget that.

The guy who, when I mentioned I could probably out-deadlift him, said "obviously" with zero ego and total admiration. THAT energy. More of that energy please.

To Other Women Who Lift

Keep lifting. Don't shrink yourself to fit someone else's comfort zone. The right person will love you at your strongest. Literally.

And if a date makes you feel like your body is too much? That's not your body being wrong. That's them being small.

Pick up heavy things. Put them down. Repeat. The person who deserves you will find that incredible, not intimidating.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a deadlift PR to chase. The dating pool can wait.

Related Reading:

Do Guys Like Fit Women? Men Reveal the Truth — Survey data to back up what I'm saying
Dating Muscular Women: Why Strong Is the New Sexy — For the guys who need to read this