I'm Dating Someone Who Does BJJ and I Have Questions

before I start: BJJ is Brazilian jiu-jitsu. it's a grappling martial art. people roll around on the floor trying to choke each other. my partner does this 4-5 times a week and loves it more than anything in the world and possibly more than me.

ok that's dramatic. but only slightly.

the bruises

my partner is perpetually bruised. arms, legs, ribs, neck. they come home looking like they lost a fight when technically they were "training." I've stopped asking "what happened?" because the answer is always "just rolling" which means someone pretzel'd them on a mat for an hour.

the first time I saw the bruises I was concerned. now it's just normal. "nice bruise. who gave you that one?" "oh that's from tuesday, this purple one's from thursday." casual. like collecting stamps.

people in public give us looks sometimes. like they're trying to assess if everything is ok. everything is ok. my partner just gets strangled recreationally.

the gi laundry situation

a gi is the uniform thing they wear. it's heavy. it's white (sometimes blue). and it needs to be washed after EVERY session because the alternative is a biohazard situation. they train 4-5 times a week. that's 4-5 gi washes per week. our washing machine has never worked harder.

we have a dedicated hook for drying gis. multiple gis in rotation. a specific detergent for gis. the amount of logistical infrastructure required to support one person's martial arts hobby is genuinely impressive.

also the rash guards. and the shorts. and the tape for their fingers. and the mouthguard. and the ear guards. it's a whole ecosystem of equipment that lives in our bathroom.

the obsession

I thought gym people were obsessed with their hobby. I was wrong. BJJ people are on another level. my partner watches technique videos before bed. they drill moves on imaginary opponents while watching TV. they have conversations with other BJJ people that sound like a foreign language — "I was in half guard and they tried to kimura me but I swept to mount and then went for an armbar" — and everyone nods along like this makes sense.

they've started pointing out submissions in action movies. "that's not how a rear naked choke works." "that guillotine was terrible, they'd never tap from that." watching action movies with a BJJ person is both educational and annoying.

the social life

their entire social circle is BJJ people. every social event involves BJJ people. dinners, parties, weekend hangouts — all populated by people who spend their free time trying to submit each other.

I've been absorbed into this world. I know everyone at their gym by name. I attend their competitions. I understand approximately 40% of what they're talking about at any given time. the other 60% is positions and submissions I haven't memorized yet.

the nice thing: BJJ people are genuinely great people. welcoming, humble, funny. there's something about getting choked regularly that keeps egos in check. the community is surprisingly warm.

the conversations

a sample evening:

"how was your day?" "good! I learned a new sweep from de la riva." "cool. what's for dinner?" "also I got promoted to blue belt next month maybe. coach hinted at it." "that's exciting. chicken or pasta?" "and there's a competition in march I'm thinking about entering." "...chicken it is."

I love them. I really do. but sometimes I want to have a conversation that doesn't involve the word "guard."

the stuff I actually love about it

ok complaining aside. dating a martial artist has some genuine upsides.

they're disciplined. showing up to get beaten up 4-5 times a week requires real commitment. that discipline shows up in every other area of life.

they're humble. BJJ has a way of humbling you constantly. you think you're good, someone better comes along and taps you. my partner handles failure and setbacks with a grace I genuinely admire.

they're calm under pressure. when you've been in a simulated life-or-death situation on a mat, a stressful day at work doesn't hit the same. they're remarkably even-keeled about things that would stress me out.

the confidence. not arrogant confidence. quiet confidence. the kind that comes from knowing you can handle yourself. it's attractive in a way I didn't expect.

I feel safe. this sounds corny but it's true. knowing your partner could theoretically subdue a grown adult with technique gives you a weird sense of security. we went for a walk in a sketchy area once and I wasn't worried at all. "if anyone bothers us you'll just... do the thing right?" "yeah I'll do the thing."

would I try it?

they've asked me approximately 47 times. "just come to one class! you'll love it!" I am not going to voluntarily let strangers choke me. I will support from the sidelines. with snacks. and clean gis.

maybe one day. they're patient about it. they know that if I'm ever going to try it, it'll be on my own terms. and if I never try it, that's fine too.

in the meantime I'll keep watching technique videos with them before bed and pretending I understand what an omoplata is. (I still don't understand what an omoplata is.)

Related Reading:

Dating a Martial Artist: The Good, Bad & Everything Between — Covers all martial arts, not just BJJ
How to Balance Gym Time and Relationship Time — Replace "gym" with "mat" and it's the same article